From the moment I first read Charlotte’s Web, I was captivated by the deep and unwavering friendship between Charlotte and Wilbur. It’s not just a children’s story—it’s a beautiful lesson about what it means to truly care for someone. Charlotte’s decision to save Wilbur wasn’t based on gaining anything in return. She did it purely because she wanted to help. Her quiet, selfless love for her friend touched me deeply and has remained a story that I return to often as a reminder of the power of unselfishness and what it means to show up for others.

This story reflects a central truth about life: when we show up for others when we give our time, love, and support, we help make the world a better place. But there’s another layer to this lesson—one that’s more complex and often difficult to navigate. While we want to be there for those we love, to lift them up and help them thrive, there’s a part of this dynamic that often leaves us feeling like failures when we can’t solve their problems. In both our professional and personal lives, we can give all of ourselves, but ultimately, we have to realize that others are in control of their actions. We can’t carry the weight of their choices or the responsibility for their outcomes. We just can’t. And when things go wrong, when we fall short, it’s important not to blame ourselves.

I am talking to anyone who’s ever tried to help someone in their life who’s struggling—whether you’re a parent, child, sibling, spouse, partner, friend, teacher, mentor, or healer. This applies to anyone who has ever felt the burden of trying to support a loved one dealing with addiction, depression, or other mental health challenges. These relationships can be especially challenging because we care so deeply, but they also remind us of an important truth: we can’t fix other people. We can’t make choices for them, and we certainly can’t bear the responsibility for their actions. That’s something we all need to remember as we work through our own emotional responses to helping others. I can’t emphasize this enough.

I want to share with you a little bit about the dual importance of showing up for others while being kind to ourselves—because both are essential for truly supporting those we love without burning out or breaking under the weight of expectations we place on ourselves. It’s a fine line to walk sometimes and can feel like a tightrope.

The Importance of Showing Up for Others

In a world that often feels isolating, one of the most important things we can do is just show up for others. It may sound simple, but it’s one of the most impactful ways we can influence someone’s life. To be present, to listen, or just help in moments of need—these are the actions that build the foundation of strong, meaningful relationships. As a therapist, I strive every day to help others navigate their struggles and emotions, offering a safe space where they can be heard and supported.

Just like Charlotte’s presence in Wilbur’s life, showing up for others isn’t about grand gestures; it’s about consistency. It’s about letting the people in your life know that they matter, that their struggles are seen and that they don’t have to carry their burdens alone.

This is especially important when you are supporting someone who is struggling with addiction or mental health issues like depression or anxiety. These battles can be incredibly isolating for the person going through them, and they often don’t have the energy to reach out for help. That’s why it’s so crucial for us—whether we’re parents, friends, or partners—to be there. Sometimes it’s about making a phone call, sending a text, or simply sitting with them in silence.

Studies have shown that having a strong support system is one of the key factors in mental and emotional well-being. When we feel connected to others, our stress levels decrease, and our sense of purpose grows. This is the power of community—whether it’s in the form of friendships, family, or even professional relationships.

But showing up doesn’t always mean solving problems or offering advice. Sometimes, it’s about simply being there, holding space for someone to express their feelings without judgment. In a world full of distractions and pressures, offering your full presence can be one of the greatest gifts you give to someone. And when we show up for others, it’s not just their lives that improve—our lives become richer too. Helping someone find joy, relief, or comfort can be deeply fulfilling and reminds us of our own capacity for empathy and connection.

But, there’s a fine line between being supportive and feeling responsible for someone else’s happiness or well-being. This is where the challenge lies: How do we balance unselfishness with self-kindness?

The Hidden Costs of Always Being There for Others

The desire to show up for others is powerful, but it can also come with hidden costs if we’re not careful. As someone who has spent a lot of time being a support system for others, I’ve experienced firsthand the emotional toll that can come from always being “on” for the people in your life.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of overextending yourself, particularly when you care deeply about someone’s well-being. You want to fix things, to be their rock, to help them find the peace they’re searching for. You see the good in them, know that things would be better for them if they would only try A, B, or C, and bend over backward to help put everything into motion for them. But there are moments when, no matter how much you give, you still feel like it’s not enough. And that’s a painful place to be—especially when it’s someone you love, someone whose happiness matters so much to you that their struggles feel like your own. It can crush and destroy you.

This feeling is especially heavy when it comes to helping someone battling addiction or mental health challenges like depression or anxiety. I’ve worked with parents, siblings, and spouses who have poured everything into helping their loved ones, only to feel crushed when their efforts don’t lead to change. When the person you’re trying to help continues to make choices that are in conflict with what’s best for them, it’s natural to feel like you’ve failed. It can absolutely destroy you as you watch the person you love spiral into darkness.

As a therapist, I’ve often felt this deeply, not just with my clients but with the people closest to me. There have been times in my personal life when I’ve tried so hard to help someone—to steer them toward what I knew was best for them—only to feel like I failed when they didn’t follow through or made choices that weren’t in their best interest. The weight of that perceived failure is heavy, it’s crushing. It’s so easy to internalize their decisions as a reflection of your own inadequacy. It’s easy to feel like you should have done more, said something different, or been more persuasive. But the reality is, as much as we want to help, we can’t control the choices other people make. They are responsible for their own choices and actions and we can’t force nor fix them.

This emotional toll can extend beyond feelings of guilt or frustration—it can destroy us if we’re not careful. Trying to help someone who isn’t ready or willing to help themselves can be exhausting, draining us emotionally, physically, and even financially. I’ve seen this happen, not just with myself but with others who care so deeply about their loved ones that they give and give until there’s nothing left. And the truth is, that’s not healthy. It’s not sustainable. And it’s not something we should put ourselves through.

This is especially true when things get ugly, which can often happen when supporting someone battling addiction, depression, or mood disorders. These struggles can bring out the worst in people. They may become agitated, angry, or mean. They may lash out verbally or even physically. On the other hand, they might completely withdraw, isolating themselves and cutting off communication, using avoidance to cope with their pain. These behaviors—whether they’re abusive, dismissive, or rooted in avoidance—are incredibly damaging to relationships. And while it’s important to understand that these reactions come from a place of hurt, they are not acceptable. You do not deserve to be treated that way.

This is why strong boundaries are critical. If you’re dealing with someone who is verbally abusive or who isolates and refuses to communicate, it’s essential to protect yourself. These actions are hurtful and damaging, and while you may empathize with the person’s struggles, you should not tolerate mistreatment. You can be compassionate, you can show up, but that doesn’t mean allowing someone to walk all over you. You are NOT a doormat! Your own mental and emotional health matters just as much as theirs.

Learning to Set Boundaries Without Guilt

One of the hardest lessons I’ve learned, both in my personal life and in my professional work, is that setting boundaries is not only necessary—it’s healthy. We tend to think of boundaries as walls that keep people out, but in reality, they’re more like guardrails that help us navigate relationships without losing ourselves in the process.

When we care deeply about someone, it’s natural to want to be there for them as much as possible. But there’s a point where constantly giving can become harmful, both to ourselves and to the person we’re trying to help. Setting boundaries is a way to protect both people—it allows us to give from a place of love and abundance rather than exhaustion and resentment.

This is especially true for anyone supporting a loved one dealing with addiction or mental health issues. When you’re constantly trying to lift someone else up, especially when they’re struggling to do it themselves, you can find yourself depleted. You may even start to feel resentment, not because you don’t care about them, but because you’re pouring from an empty cup. And that’s not sustainable.

Here are a few helpful strategies for setting boundaries:

1. Communicate Early and Clearly: It’s easier to set boundaries at the beginning of a relationship or situation than to try to establish them later on. Be upfront about your limits and needs, whether it’s in terms of time, energy, or emotional availability.

2.     Learn to Say No: This one is hard, especially when you care deeply about someone. But saying no doesn’t mean you don’t love or support them. It simply means you recognize your own limits, and that’s a good thing. You can’t be everything to everyone, and that’s okay. It’s not your job to fix their problems, and sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to let them take responsibility for their own healing.

3.     Practice Self-Awareness: Regularly check in with yourself. Are you feeling overwhelmed, frustrated, or emotionally drained? Are you starting to resent the person you’re helping, not because of who they are but because of the constant emotional demands? These are signs that you need to set firmer boundaries or take a step back. It’s important to be aware of your emotional state before you reach the point of burnout.

4.     Remember That Boundaries Are Acts of Love: Setting boundaries isn’t about pushing people away; it’s about protecting your well-being and theirs. When you set healthy boundaries, you ensure that you can continue to show up in a way that is sustainable, compassionate, and supportive, rather than resentful and drained. Boundaries allow you to offer help from a place of emotional clarity and strength, rather than from a place of exhaustion or anger.

The Role of Self-Compassion: Kindness to Yourself Is Not Selfish

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned through my journey of caring for others is the value of self-compassion. Too often, we are our own harshest critics, especially when it comes to feeling like we’ve failed the people we love. But here’s the truth: We can’t control other people’s actions, choices, or emotions. No matter how much we want to help, ultimately, each person is responsible for their own life. Our role is to offer support, not to fix or save. Stop trying to be the hero, the savior, Superman.

This is especially important when dealing with someone who is battling addiction, depression, or mood disorders. These situations can be so emotionally charged that when things don’t go well, it’s easy to internalize their struggles as a reflection of our own shortcomings. We ask ourselves, "What could I have done differently?" or "Why couldn’t I help them?" But the reality is, no matter how much we give or how hard we try, the choice to heal lies with them.

Dr. Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field of self-compassion, explains that being kind to ourselves is not about being self-indulgent or selfish—it’s about treating ourselves with the same kindness and understanding that we would give to a close friend. When we make mistakes or feel like we’ve fallen short, instead of beating ourselves up, we need to learn to give the same grace we offer others.

In my work as a therapist, I’ve often found myself feeling responsible for the progress of my clients. When they made choices that seemed to lead them further from healing, it was hard not to internalize that as a failure on my part. Similarly, in my personal life, I’ve experienced the heartbreak of watching someone make decisions that I knew weren’t in their best interest, despite all my efforts to help them. I would beat myself up, replaying conversations in my head, wondering if I could have done something different. But over time, I’ve learned that I cannot take responsibility for the actions of others. I had to do my own work and learn to practice self-compassion. Yup, the therapist had to do some therapy herself. Imagine that!

Here are some practical ways to practice self-compassion:

- Acknowledge Your Efforts: Even when things don’t go the way you hoped, recognize the effort you put in. You showed up, you cared, and that’s what is important. The outcome is not in your control, but your intention and effort were there.

- Reframe Negative Self-Talk: When you catch yourself thinking, “I’ve failed” or “I’m not good enough,” step back and challenge those thoughts. Remind yourself that everyone makes mistakes and that no one is perfect. Remind yourself that your role is to support, not to fix.

- Take Time for Yourself: Self-compassion means knowing when to take a break, even if it feels uncomfortable. Rest is not a luxury—it’s a necessity if you want to continue being there for others. Prioritize your own mental health so that you can offer genuine support to those who need you.

- Allow Yourself to Feel: It’s okay to feel disappointed, sad, or frustrated when things don’t go as planned. Allow yourself to process those emotions without judgment. Just because you feel like you failed doesn’t mean you actually have. Feelings are valid but not always accurate reflections of the truth.

Balancing Selflessness with Self-Care: Practical Tips

So how do we strike the balance between caring for others and caring for ourselves? It’s a delicate balance, but it’s entirely possible with mindful practice and self-awareness. Here are some practical strategies:

1. Set Realistic Expectations: Understand that you can’t fix everyone’s problems, and that’s okay. You are not responsible for the outcome of someone else’s life, no matter how much you love or care for them. It’s important to acknowledge that people, especially those battling mental health challenges or addiction, are ultimately responsible for their own actions. You can offer support, but they need to take the steps toward change.

2. Practice Regular Self-Check-Ins: Take time to assess how you’re feeling emotionally and physically. Are you drained? Do you feel overwhelmed? Take invetory of your own needs and make sure they’re being met. If you find yourself feeling depleted, step back and give yourself permission to rest.

3. Communicate Your Needs to Others: Don’t be afraid to express what you need. Whether it’s time alone to recharge, or the need for boundaries in a relationship, be honest with the people in your life. Clear communication is key to maintaining healthy relationships, especially with those who may be struggling.

4. Don’t Internalize Others’ Actions: As much as you care, remember that you can’t control someone else’s behavior. When someone lashes out, becomes isolated, or makes harmful decisions, it’s important to recognize that those actions are a reflection of their struggles, not your worth or ability to help. You cannot take responsibility for their choices.

5. Know When to Step Back: Sometimes the best way to help someone is by stepping back. When you’ve given everything you can, and they’re still not ready to make a change, it’s okay to let go. This doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them; it means you’re respecting your limits and their autonomy. People have to want to help themselves. And it’s okay for you to say enough is enough.

Why Helping Others Can Make You Happier, When Done Right

Helping others can be incredibly fulfilling when done in a way that honors both your needs and theirs. Studies have shown that acts of kindness and support can boost your own happiness, increase feelings of connection, and even improve your own mental health. Altruistic behavior, when balanced with self-care, allows us to feel a sense of purpose and meaning.

But the key is balance. When we help others from a place of strength and compassion—without overextending ourselves or feeling responsible for their choices—we create a positive cycle. Helping others doesn’t mean sacrificing your own well-being. In fact, when you take care of yourself, you’re better equipped to offer genuine support to those in need.

Just as Charlotte’s quiet, steadfast care for Wilbur ultimately changed his life, your support can have a lasting impact on those you love. But remember, you are not Charlotte. You are human, with your own limits and needs, and you deserve to be kind to yourself as well. Show up for others, but also show up for yourself.

Conclusion: The Ripple Effect of Kindness

At the end of the day, life is about relationships—how we connect with others, how we care for them, and how we care for ourselves. The balance between showing up for others and showing up for ourselves is delicate but essential. We can be compassionate, giving, and loving without losing ourselves in the process.

So whether you’re a parent, sibling, partner, or friend —remember that your role is to offer love and support, not to bear the responsibility for their choices. You can show up, offer guidance, and care deeply, but ultimately, they are in control of their own path.

And just as you show compassion to those you love, show that same kindness to yourself. You deserve it. Your well-being matters, and when you take care of yourself, you are better able to help others in a way that is sustainable, healthy, and truly meaningful.

Take care of each other,

Adrienne <3