What Do You Want From Me??
Have you ever been in a situation where someone you care about is struggling and you reach out to help only to be met with anger, hostility, or even denial? Maybe that person asked you for help but then became avoidant or even angry when you tried to help them to pursue the help or goals they stated they wanted for themselves. This can be frustrating, confusing, and hurtful, to say the least.
It can make you feel like you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t. It can make you want to quit, give up, and walk away. It can hurt like hell, especially if the person shuts down, and shuts you out. Trust me, I understand, I’ve been in that situation time and time again.
The first thing to say about this situation is that it is not uncommon. People often don't want help for a variety of reasons, such as not knowing how to ask for it or feeling embarrassed about needing it in the first place. It can be frustrating when you're trying your best to offer support, but then realize the person you're trying to help isn't ready for what you've got or offer. However, there are many reasons why people act this way when they're asking for help - it's worth remembering that they may also need support with this aspect of the situation too!
Why do they do this?
Feeling like they are a burden on others.
Feeling judged by those around them
Not knowing where or how to get help from professionals (and being afraid of what might happen if they do)
Fear of stigma or repercussions in employment, etc.
Fear what others may think, say, do.
Embarrassment/shame
Feel weak, or out of control
Private person
Fear
Denial
Not ready (stages of change)
Please also remember, you might feel like you're the only person who can help, but that's not always the case. It's possible they just need more time to think about their options or want more support than you have to offer. The most important thing is that you don't push them into doing something they aren't ready for yet--if your friend calls and says "I don't know what I should do," remember that this is a normal response! You are not responsible for making all their problems disappear; sometimes it just takes some space or time away from an issue before people can figure out how best to handle it themselves.
People often have good reasons for not accepting help when they need it, so it's important to remember that this is a complex issue. If someone turns down your offer of help or refuses to accept the help offered by others, don't take it personally. The best thing you can do is keep offering support and hope that someday soon they'll reach out again!
But it hurts to be pushed away.
When someone close to you pushes you away, it can be a confusing, painful, and frustrating feeling. Rejection is hard to deal with, especially when you're trying to help someone whom you care about. This experience is especially hard when you are trying to offer the help and support they asked for. You may feel like your efforts are not appreciated or valued by the person you love. You may even wonder what you did wrong or question their feelings for you. For those of us with attachment and/or abandonment issues, this type of rejection is much more difficult and can make us question why we continue to be there for them.
In these situations, it's natural to want to give up but instead of giving up on them please continue helping them if you are able. Put yourself in their shoes, it’s confusing, frustrating, scary, and lonely…..Don’t let frustration stop you from being there when they might need you the most.
Until then, continue to support them and be ready when they are ready. At the end of the day, they must be the ones to do the work, you cannot do it for them. And they have to want it, for themselves, not to please others, keep their job, or any other reason. The motivation to change has to be a true desire to change. Anything forced will not be sustained.
For all of you out there struggling, trying to help a loved one…..I pray that you find whatever it is you are seeking. I know the road is not easy but don’t give up. I am here to help and support you as you support your loved one.
Schedule an appointment today.
