Christmas as an Adoptee is Not Always Bright and Merry
The holidays are known for being a time of family, love, and togetherness. But for many adoptees, the holiday season can be a difficult time. Adoptees who were separated from their birth families at an early age may struggle with feelings of abandonment and lack of identity during the holidays. And while I think they should certainly feel free to express those feelings openly and honestly, I also think it's important to remember that adoption is not always a happy story (as mine certainly wasn't). So, if you're an adopted person reading this right now and feeling sad and alone right now, please know that there are many others like you out there who understand how hard this time can be.
For many adoptees, there is a sense of abandonment and lack of identity which is amplified during the holidays when everyone around you seems to be celebrating their families and reuniting with loved ones. For some, it can be a time of sadness because they don't have those memories or experiences. For others, it can be an overwhelming time where memories of being the "odd kid out" come back in full force. Either way, there's no doubt that your feelings are more intense this time of year than at other times.
For me personally, as an adult, I found myself asking why? Why didn't my birth mother want me? Did she think about me? Did she ever wonder what happened to me after she gave me up for adoption? Was she able to have more children if she hadn't given birth to me or was she unable because I took something away from her body when I was born? Questions like these made me feel even worse about being adopted but also made me feel guilty for even questioning whether my birth mother loved me or not!
Being separated from your family during the holidays can make you feel like an outsider and can cause feelings of sadness and anger. This can be amplified if the adoption did not go well and there is no conflict within your adopted family. Maybe you don’t have a relationship with your adopted family either; don’t get along with your adoptive siblings or parents, which can make Christmas. For example, one adoptee told me that she often feels left out during the holidays because she doesn't share any of her adopted siblings' interests and experiences growing up in their adoptive family. When situations like this happen, we feel even more disconnected, twice abandoned, and even more empty.
It is important to remember that there are other ways to celebrate Christmas besides being with family members who love each other unconditionally (which many people do not have). You can create new traditions by going out on Christmas Eve or having friends over on Christmas Day instead of spending time with relatives who may not understand what it’s like being apart from one's biological parent(s).
Remember, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad or angry during the holidays. If you have the opportunity to spend time with other adoptees, I highly recommend it. Feel free to reach out if you need help finding support.
