Uncertainty......How it feels to love someone w/ mental illness
Loving someone with mental illness is hard but many of us have been in this position. I know I have and I have watched people I know and care about love people who struggle with mental illness as well. We are everywhere and are well-versed in uncertainty mixed with feelings of powerlessness and helplessness.
You have days where you feel you give so much and it’s just so exhausting. You feel like you are falling into a black hole yourself; it’s like quicksand and there’s no life jacket, no lifelines being held out to you. Meanwhile, your loved one is just pulling you in deeper with their lack of ability to help themselves. Why can’t they just get help and feel better you wonder? Why can’t they just give a little bit of trust in the process to see if it will help them, isn’t it worth it? It doesn’t have to be this way, you tell yourself. We are wasting so much time that could be normal, you hear yourself fearing. All the questions that run through our minds, yet nothing ever changes.
It’s funny how a day can start out so good and in the blink of an eye, a trigger can change the trajectory of it all. You know all too well how triggers have the power to completely destroy the best of everything. Suddenly, all your plans, all your conversations, and all of your caring can seem to go out the window as your loved one’s decimated heart and feelings plunge into trauma mode. As their survival mode kicks in and self-preservation takes over, the importance and meaning in their hearts slowly dim like a light. All executive functioning skills, you know those rational things we do such as solving things with a level head, regulating our emotions, and thinking before we speak/react; in other words: problem-solving, emotional regulation, critical thinking, and decision-making skills, these things suddenly go out the window as the fight, flight, or freeze instinct takes over. Just one comment from a family member, a look from a stranger, or even the news can set someone like this into a spiral in which they push you away and shut down within themselves. Loving someone who experiences this, frequently, is difficult, and can make for a very lonely and confusing relationship at times.
You feel alone, unwanted, uncertain, even helpless. You make plans only to have them change at the last minute. You don’t make plans that you could have made and then feel bad and resentful later. You feel confused, wondering what happened, how long will this continue, and should you continue this way. You feel helpless. You know the steps needed to help them but are frustrated because, well, you know. You can lead a horse to water but….
So then, why do we stay with these people? Why do we continue to stay on this carousel, that never stops turning no matter how many times the operator promises to stop it? Why, because we love them. Because the good outweighs the bad. Because mental illness is not a reason to walk away. Because we hold out hope that the day will come when they make that call or say, “I’m ready, please help me make the call”. So, until then, we stand by their side with love and support while we silently fight a battle of our own deep inside.
If you find yourself in this situation, silently fighting your inner battles, and need a lifeline of your own, I am here to listen, to help. Don't hesitate to send an email or call and schedule an appointment. Sometimes even the support needs support.
