Unwanted X 2

As an adoptee, I have always felt like a victim of child abuse because my biological mother gave me up and never told me why, at least, not until many years later when I found her in my 20s, only to have her disappear from my life yet again within 10 years. And my biological father has never been there for me either, though I am not sure he ever truly had a choice. My biological mother said she never told him about me. So, neither of my biological parents has ever provided a warm, safe, nurturing relationship for me. 

But they're not the only ones who caused me pain in this way; my adoptive parents also left me feeling like an abandoned child. In fact, everyone in my life has left me feeling that way at some point or another—including myself. What's more, is that there are many aspects to being adopted that can lead to experiencing unwanted feelings from childhood trauma long after those events took place.

1. Fear of abandonment

• Fear of being alone

• Fear of being rejected

• Fear of being abandoned

• Fear of being unloved

• Fear of being abandoned by loved ones

2. Attachment issues

Unwanted children can have attachment issues because their parents have not been able to meet their needs for security, closeness, and family connection. This means they may feel insecure or alone, even in a crowd of people. They also may not know how to form healthy attachments with others.

3. Difficulty trusting others

Trust is a key component of healthy relationships, and it can be difficult to build trust after a traumatic childhood. Adoptees often have difficulty trusting themselves and others, which can make forging new relationships difficult. If you've never had the opportunity to develop meaningful and lasting attachments with family members or close friends, then you may find yourself feeling anxious or depressed when faced with the prospect of getting close to someone else now.

The good news is that there are many ways to increase your ability to trust: therapy can help you address any lingering trauma that might be preventing you from trusting others; meditation has been shown to reduce anxiety and stress levels by calming down nervous activity in the brain; taking care of yourself physically (eating well, exercising regularly) will also help reduce stress levels so that they do not interfere with positive emotions such as trust.

4. Hyper-vigilance

Hyper-vigilance is a symptom of trauma. It's a feeling of being on edge or constantly on guard like you're waiting for something bad to happen.

It can be hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced it, but it's similar to how you might feel if someone threatened you with physical harm in the past. You'd be hyper-aware, always watching your back and scanning your surroundings for danger—even when there isn't any. This usually causes problems in everyday life because people don't realize why the person is acting so strange, so they may think that person is just rude or weird instead of traumatized by past trauma (or violence).

5. Low self-esteem

Many adoptees struggle to form a sense of self-worth and belonging. They may feel like they don’t belong anywhere, or that they have to prove themselves over and over again. They may also have low self-esteem because they were told that their birth parents didn’t want them, so how could anyone else possibly love them? For me, I could never live up to my adopted parent’s expectations and found myself self-destructing for many years before I learned to harness that would and use it to propel myself academically and professionally.

6. Feeling empty and incomplete

This is a common feeling among adoptees. Many feel like they don't belong in their family or that they're not really a part of the family. They may feel like something is missing from their life but can't put their finger on it.

This feeling is often compounded by the fact that many adoptees are told at a young age that they were "chosen" by their adoptive parents, sometimes even before they know what it means to be chosen over another child. This can make them feel special while also making them want more information about why they were chosen over someone else and how this process happened.

7. Avoidance of intimacy

Avoidance of intimacy is another symptom of the internalized split between unwantedness and wantedness. Adoptees often have a hard time trusting others, and this can lead to difficulty with intimacy. They may not be able to trust themselves or their own feelings either.

8. Difficulty setting boundaries

Setting boundaries can be difficult, especially if you’re used to giving in to other people’s requests and needs. You might feel guilty if you don’t fulfill their expectations. But it’s important to remember that there is a difference between doing the right thing for yourself and doing something because others expect it from you.

It can help to keep in mind that we all have different limits, so what works for one person may not work for another. Some of us even have different limits depending on the situation! It's okay not to agree with someone else's point of view; as long as they're being respectful about their own preferences and accepting of yours, then no harm done!

This can be difficult to read because childhood trauma is painful, but it's important for adoptees to know what they might experience and that we understand their experience is valid and important

If you are an adoptee, it is important to know that you are not alone. Adoption trauma can be a difficult experience to navigate for many people, but there are many resources available for you. You do not need to feel ashamed or trapped by your past—you can heal and move forward into a more fulfilling life.

If you are an adoptee who has experienced trauma, I want you to know that you aren’t alone. You don’t have to experience your healing process alone either. There are many resources available for people like us and I can help you through this journey. If you need someone to talk with or just listen, please reach out. I have been there, I truly get it and would be happy to schedule a session to get you started on the path of healing.